In this fashion, I yearn to be a child again and yet, I hated every moment of my carefree childhood. I have, for a long time, relished my complexity ...s a human being. I am forever elusive, even to myself. Constant oscillation, and the whirlwind makes its appearance again. Who am I beneath this skin and these bones that seemingly link me to others around me? Who do they know resides there? It excites me to entertain these thoughts. But I am lost. Lost in a conscious way. Lost in an “I am not. Now she realises Martin is no longer quite the safe harbour she had imagined him to be.But she and Martin have shared so much, and it would make her so happy right now if he'd only say, 'Hey, darling, what if we forget about Erika and just the two of us make a night of it?' Then he would reach over and take her breasts in his hands, and she would lean back and rest herself against his body, her refuge."What are you wearing?" he asks."What do you think Erika would like me in?" Dun-know. Probably. A nearly carnivorous idea. Such appetite as we might have had for the other we saved for an adult thing. I would not take him into my own body until we were nearly adults. I do now and have always believed Brevet and I are one soul. One caul split into two strong winding ropes to feed two babies. Brevet is a solider’s rank. A warrior who has proven himself in war is promoted on the blood field by his officer. The rank is given as an honor but there are no extra compensations to go along with. My shoulder throbs. The ibuprofen I took before coming to the hospital hasn’t even touched the pain. Finally, after three hours I get sent to the back. I request Doctor McCarthy. He’s been the only doctor I see in the emergency room. I love to regale him with my stories. He doesn’t call the cops and gives me free drugs. I don’t tell and neither does he. He’s an older man who grew up when sexual orientation was straight and nothing else. He used to manage a brothel for gay men in his younger.
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